Boys Don't Like Girls Who Drive Vans

i got a phone call from just a number, no name on thursday as i was getting out of the shower so i answered it. i heard "iiiii'm here!" coming from the other end then it clicked that i was supposed to pick up my friend jamie who flew in from rhode island to see me. i completely forgot and was like "oh? i will be there in 10 minutes, trafiic is retched". i got dressed and sped the whole way there. i was so excited to see her all week i cannot believe i forgot. we had fun the whole weekend. we reminiscenced about first semester in the dorms when we first met. she also visited this guy who she liked alot who also had a girlfriend. i saw a movie with cortney(more on that later). she called me at like midnight and was like come pick up all crying and stuff. so i went with nick and picked her up. on the way back she leans out the car door and throws up. nick totally queens out on me and prances in the house shrieking "ew ew ew ew groooooooss!". i turn up the radio to drown out the splatter but then i smeel it and start to feel sick. fuck it. i pull the car in crookedly and start ralphing myslef on the other side of the car. jamie is trying to apologize between hurls as i am trying to comfort her between my own. we finally make it inside and i see these guys who were wathcing us with their arms crossed, expressionless.
ok so lately i have been really really sad. it seems like all of my friends have been letting me down excpet for keegan. without her i would die. she is my escape, my release, my good time no matter what. i can be who i am around her without judgement and tell her anything. she has helped me so much by letting me sleep in her room and just helping me. i love her to death. me and nick used to be super close but now that him and zo are boyfriend and i guess boyfriend i am left out. it seems like he only gives me attention when he needs a ride someplace. i will be telling him a story and he will interrupt me and say outloud "i wonder where my zo is at". what the hell. when nick was mad at zo i was there for him. i was his sidekick. he was fun.now that he is taken he doesn;t want to do anything unless zo is doing it. he is zo's little bitch. now don't get me wrong, i love zo to death and i don;t blame him for the way nick has been treating me and acting lately. nick does it all himself. i just wish i was more included. nick is one of my best friends and i love spending time with him but i can;t anymore it seems. it makes me hate "zo-and-nick". which i don;t want to do. i want to be happy that they are happy but its hard when our status went from "twins" down to "aquaintances". whenever i think about it, i get a bad taste in my mouth and it makes me want to avoid him. i almost wisj i would have chosen to live on campus. he would have never told me he was gay and i would have been ignorant and blissful. and then when i did see him every once and a while i maybe could have 100% of his attention even if for a little while. i also wouldn;t have to put up with kenneth's petty bullshit and teeter totter moods. i think i might be happier and mentally heathier. i swear i am trying to be optimistic and focus on the good things but sometimes its strains me to find it. and that can be exhausting. i have tried to talk to nick about it but he says i am being dramatic. so i just give up and pretend. i wonder if i had a significant other to obsess about if i would be better. hmm. i am going to get on that. there is this guy names ryan that i think is completely adorable. he is always complimenting me whenever i see him and (i hope) flirting. idk if he does that to every girl. i really don't care, i like it. i joked about how i have a crush on him and they all pretty much shot him down saying he wasn't good. secretly i am so attracted to him. he is funny and cute and really nice. whatev. whatever happens, happens. since whenever me and nick eat together anymore we fight, i decided to try something daring and eat by myself. ok. i ate by myself cuz i had no one else to eat with besides him. well it worked out well in my favor. a few days ago i ate with my hetero life partner becky and saw this guy i am also in love with at plaza. mike came over and said hi to me first and when he asked how i was doing and i said eh, instead of leaving it at that he genuinely seemed to care and asked why. that made my day. then when i decided to eat by myself i saw him at a table before he saw me. i am very good that by the way. i am always very aware of my surroundings and who is in them. so i strategically sat at a table a few away from but still in sight of him and pretended to be engrossed in my ipod. i set myself down and got in line for food. on the way back, i passed him but kept my eyes on my table. he asked if i was eating alone and i said he yes. he then said the hottest thing. he like ordered me to come sit with him. he was like "nope you're sitting with me now." ooo. i could have taken him on that table right there in the dining hall. i sat with two of his guy friends. one of which i sort of knew. i chatted them up and tried to be as charming as possible. i kinda see the friend i knew as potential too. the other one was too weird. i felt pretty good then. i had a test that day too so i studied for it and when i thought i couldn't study anymore i really got the urge to check my facebook and such. so i went to the computer store by the bookstore since all the other compters were taken and used one of the displays. tacky i know. but i had the shakes. so i checked facebook and had a comment from ryan. my day was basically made. i took my test and i think i did really well on it. keegan had given me atterol and it honestly helped me focus. my mind didn;t race like it usually does and i could actually organize my thoughts. i studied with it the night before and retained so much info. more than i usually do. so i popped another a few hours before my test. i think i did really well. it took me almost half the time to finish because i studied better and i didn;t have to struggle to focus on the questions and reread them. my mind wasn;t wandering, thinking about the stupid little things going on around me. after that i went and hung out with keegan. a perfect end to a really good day. then i got up and had breakfast in the dining hall by myself before working at 11 in the morning. i got off at 5, ate dinner with keegan and had to go back in at 7 until 1. yep. thats like 12 or so hours. but i feel really good. i cut myself on a cardboard box today and almost threw up, passed out and peed all at the same time. i really thought i was going to faint though. i told the lady who i was ringing out that if she got me a bandaid at customer service, i would give her 40 percent off her entire purchase. she did so i did too. then i was taking returns back and i had this little candle lamp thing. well i tripped over something and the glass holder part fell out and shattered. the pieces went everywhere. i was supposed to stand there and tell customers to watch out but i watched them step on it. oops. it took forever. it rained really bad today ad this lady came lke running in and she slipped and fell on her ass. i tried with every fiber in my being not to laugh at her and keep straight face. i couldn't do better than what must have been a big goofy smile and asked if she was ok. she said yes so i turned around and laughed and laughed. josh this gay guy who i loooooove went to help her and somehow my boss found out. she thought it was pretty funny though. i also called her up when i needed change and told her there was a small fire at my register and she believed me.
i am so glad things are getting better. i knew they would but i was getting impatient. i still have something else i have been wanting to get off my chest but i will save it for next time when i have something good to counter it. maybe tomorrow?