super long much needed update

ok its been like a month. not too crazy but a few things went down and some came up. i took a atterol that keegan gave me hoping i would be able to clean my room and do homework but all i motviated to do now is write. ho hum. lets see where to start. work at kohls has been alright. they are still not giving me enough hours but i have enough for rent the rest of this semester and i my refund will come next semester so all is good there. the drama in the house is climaxing. and not int he good way. kenneth is the biggest bitch ever. he reminds me so much of my mom. i hate him. he basically said that he wished i was shot in a drive by and that my soul was ugly to match my personality. wtf. he wrote all this is his blog then didn;t talk to me for like 3 days unless it was to tell me he hated me. so i got pissed and wrote in my blog about him, putting his ass on blast. he didn't read it then he kinda got better? whatever. i took it off but i still hate him. nick and zo broke up then got back together i guess. whatever. when they were on their break i went with him and some of his friends to a gay bar for karaoke. it was so much fun. i wanted to sing "just the girl" by click 5 but they wouldn;t let. i didn't know why at first until they told me that i would send the wrong idea to the sleezy girls there and would prolly be raped by "candy" who was sitting the corner smoking a cigerette. so i just watched. it was so much fun. they did put my name down to sing electric slide. that was cute. not. the last song they played was "cable car" by the fray. idk what it was but i just felt so infinite. the atmosphere, the people singing, who i was with, the laughing, everyone singing. it was just perfect. i mean it wasn't like spectaculer and it was only perfect to me i think but it was amazing. one of my favorite moments. since then i have heard the that song and "how to save a life" which is also by them all the time now. i think it means osmething. also whenever i look at a clock the numbers are always in order, like 12:34 or 4:56 or when its all the same number like 11:11. its really weird esp since i was born at 3:45. i am prolly being stupid but whatev. today and i heard how to save a life come on. then i noticed it was 2:22 and my odometer was at 234. i was hoping for like my soulmate to call and say he was in love with me or somethihng wonderful but nothing. :( a few weeks ago i pretty much had a break down. i got to thinking about my friends and realized i have none. kalie and me aren't really friends anymore. i'm not as sad as i thought i would be. she basically went through kenneth and talked shit about me to him and picked a fight with sydney that didn;t go how she wanted.s o she turned on me, calling me a patholoical liar and what not. and that she felt awkward at my house even though she had no problem coming here when she needed to. whatever. i am done with her. i was crying like hysterically and hyperventilting, the works. nick tried to cheer me up and get me to stop crying but he couldn;t and got frustatrated. kenneth didn;t understand at all and just made it worse by telling me everyone hated me cuz i was bitch. i wanted to die. not kill myself but if i got into a bad wreck i would haveb een ok with that. i was scared at how sad i was. i think i may have been depressed even but i hate using that word because i am such a happy person all the time. i was convinced something was wrong with me. keegan and heather saved my life. when i called her though, i said she was all i had, in way that was supposed to mean like she better not leave me cuz then i would have nothing. but she kinda took it the wrong way and was like "i know i am not good enough but i will always be here for you". broke my fucking heart. heather couldn't understand how sad i really was just by iming but she tried and just having her attetnion helped. on the weekends i usaully go out with zo and nick and some other people to gay parties. i am not using gay as an insult. they are literally a party with homosexual people. i could care less but damn, a straight needs to party with heteros too. we never do and if i had more friends i would go with them but since i don;t i am stuck at the rainbow parties. its def better than nothing but people, me included, are questioning my sexuality. shit. at the last one we went to was a grafiiti party. everyone had sharpies and wore a white t-shirt. lots of vulgar things were drawn and written on me and i wrote some out to. my boobs were owned by nick and his friend pat and his friend kevin wrote "best ass i've ever had" on my ass. nick fell on his back on a couch and pulled me on him. then zo layed on top of me, both humping me and yelling things like "look at the jenn sandwich, eat up" and "oreo gnag bang". so much fun. nick drew a smiley face on the ass of my jeans so i signed his name on the leatehr couch and wall. oops. i also got bored and drew mustaches on the pictures hanging up. last week my dad bought me a car! a 97 nissan altima. its silver and i am not even embarassed by it! on the way home to get it, i had to drive the van. the fuel filter is bad so it doesn;t accelerate quickly and doesn;t go above 60 mph. i am used to speeding home and getting there in an hour. it took almost an hour and 45 mintutes. there is a huge valley liek halfway between here and there. i am talking ears popping, no radio stations valley. going downhill was fine. the van is heavy so i let gravity make me go fast. coming out of the valley, not so much fun. i started going uphill and gravity was a bitch holding me back. i gunned it as much as i could and was going 25! people were honking and passing when they could. i was so embarassed. i went home to get it and to watch rocky horror picture show with sydney and davina. i love them and i think its going to become a tradition. i hope anyway. we slutted it up and i did the best i coudl with that. i wore a super short black skirt with my royal purple homecoming top. i also wore black thigh highs and was supposed to wear black underwear but i forgot them at my appartment and wore my sheep undies. oops. i was self conscience the whole night not to let them show. all was good until i went to the bathroom. i checked to make sure my skirt was down. the bathroom was packed and when i washed my hands i heard giggling then a camera flash. when i looked over syd was cracking up at her camera with davina. my skirt was tucked in my sheep drawers. everyone in the bathroom was laughing at me. while i was also home, i visited high school to eat lunch with my sister melissa. i had two teachers in mind i really wanted to visit. they turned me away at the office when i came. so ileft but melissa called me and said that mrs. moran would sneak me in through the preschool door at the back of the school. i was scared i was going to get arrested for trespassing. i talked with her for a few hours and then i visited coach mac. as left i almost cried because i realzed what huge impact both of those women had on my life. coach mac was my yearbook teacher and sparked my interst in writing and made me see that i was half way decent at it. she made me compete at competitions and her class was the one where i tested out my personality. i was super shy the first year in her class and in every class. i don;t know why i chose her class to be me but its just the effect she has. i am pretty sure i should give her some kind of cash reward for all the trouble and stress i am sure i caused her. i was loud and obnoxious. and she was polite and never yelled too much for me to do my work. she is very encouraging has a way of making students shine in their best light and making them just plain old feel good. i really admire her because of her compassion and courage. she lets the newspaper be a student run publication and gets criticism everyday i am sure from people who don;t agree. she is almost always under a microscope for her yearbook and newspaper methods. mrs. moran wasn't really my teacher. the title given to her was counselor to the kids in the gifted program but she taught me life lessons and let me feel like i was someone great. she encouraged me that taking risks was ok and that it was better to do something and regret than to not do it and wonder the what ifs. she let me know that everyone has their problems and how you handle them is what makes you. she put so much time and energy into her students. she had a situation a few years ago when she was my teacher. i won;t go into much detail since its not my business and i don;t really know all the facts but she basically got in trouble for her kindness and was taken advantage of. this all happened at the other high school in the district where she also worked. she could have let the incident ruin her career. but she didn;t. she kept her head above it all and pushed through. even when a local radio station made a parody of it on air, she shrugged it off and never let her anger show. she maintained her composure through the whole thing and in the end everything was fine. if not better. she also battled cancer right after that. she is fine now, thank god. she didn't let court cases and potential diseases even once make her take a break from what she loves to do. i can talk to her about anything and she will not be phased. she will give me advice i can actually use then make me laugh. coach mac is also good at giving advice and talking with you on the same level. i loved when i would talk to her during class in hushed tones because she was telling me things as my friend, my mentor instead of my teacher. i left from my high school close to tears because i wanted to talk to both of them forever and drove straight back to mizzou. everything that i talked about with coach mac and mrs moran was fresh in my mind so i thought alot about them and their impact. i never really thought about it until recently but i really hope i grow up to be a combination of them both. they are both so wise and strong. there compassion is contagious. i miss being able to see them whenever i wanted to. i don;t think they were ever voted for teacher of the year or anything like that. maybe its because people just don't know. maybe they are really good at hiding their greatness. i think its because "teacher of the year" is too weak of an award for people like them. the other day me and nick went to eat and we were walking out of the dorm and there were people all around us. we had been squabbling the whole meal like we usually do. when we got outside i just happened to be bitching about how i drive him everywhere and how he is ungrateful he was. there were people all around us. nick turns around and yells "I'M UNGRATEFUL! I GO DOWN ON YOU EVERY NIGHT AND YOU NEVER LET ME STICK IT IN!!!" oh. my. god. people stopped what they were doing and gave me awful looks, looking me up and down. i hardly ever get that embarassed but i pretty much wanted to die. i froze and just stared at him in disbelief processing what he just said. i had friends coming up to visit at mizzou this weekend and i was coming back saturday night for the parties so i brought davina with me and she went home with heather on sunday. we went to a few halloween parties. the first was at this guy from high schools house. it was lame. so me and davina went to this barn party. i don;t know if you have something different in mind but i was expecting to be a barn themed party or something in a house. no. hell no. it was in a goddamn barn! there were stalls and hay and animals. ok there was one animal. and it was a dog. but still. me and davina had to walk in mud in our heels and prom dresses (we were princesses). i lost my shoe in the mud. when we first got there a police officer with a flashlight stopped us and asked if we had been drinking. i prayed davina kept her mouth shut and let me do the talking. i said no, cuz i hadn't, then davina was like "he is a fake!". my heart dropped to my feet and i was sure we were gonna get arrested. then he kinda smiled and was like "why not?". i pretty much peed my self in relief. it was cold so i wore a jacket but people kept asking to see my dress. we sat by the bonfire on a log to get warm. in my prom dress. my baby. we left and met up with people at hitt street market to eat. and then we went home. my prom dress is muddy and has beer on it. it is also ripped and smells like bonfire. what have i done? i cleaned out the van when i was home and the new car too. i found condoms in the back and on the passenger side in the fornt seat. my dad saw and was like they are dry rotted don;t get any ideas. when i told him about the ones in the trunk he said he could just picture the girl who had it before me turning tricks out the back of it! HAHAHA! i asked my dad how he got the car for so cheap and he said it was becaause he is a baller! i told him if i found any love stains in the backseat, back to driving the van it was. thats all i have for now. i am going to try and update more often. its theraputic almost.