Prelude

ok. i am terrified of my roommates and other gay friends catching AIDS and dying. like to the point where i cry about it. i do not know what i would do. esp nick and lorenzo and kenneth. they are pretty much my best friends. hell nick is practically my soulmate. its so funny how attached i have become to him. i thought living with him would make me crazy. but i really can;t see myself living without him. i love him completely but i pray and wish everyday that he wasn't gay. i honestly see him as the one person i could spend the rest of my life with. i am not a pessimist in the least so i am also very grateful that he is gay cuz i will always be the number one girl in his life. and he will always be in my life forever. i don't even want a husband anyway so thats good. i guess i also pray there was no such thing as a gay people. not because i hate them or think it is wrong, but because if they were straight then people couldn;t hate. but then i think that as long as i am praying i should pray that people could just accept everyone and not make it a deal at all. and even if he was straight doesn;t mean he would like me anyway. that last part is lame. Zo is a up and coming broadcaster. he is so talented and i have no doubt in my mind that he will be famous. but because of his ambitions his thinks he has to keep his preference a secret. idk if he is right or not but it makes me so sad that he can't completely who he wants to be that way it doesn't jeopardize his career. idk if he is embarassed about it either. i hope not that would make me even more sad. i am full of hate. not hate towards gay people or people who aren't "what they should be". i hate society for not accepting everyone as they are and for putting such an emphasis on it. i hate whatever decided to make gay/straight people. why do things have to be either/or. why can't it be the same as gender. where some people are just born male/female. some people do believe that's what makes people gay. i think that being gay is just a preference. like some people prefer blue and others prefer red. i guess i should not like people who like red because thats weird. i am really glad that none of that shit matters to me. if it did then i would be missing out on the best moments/friends/everything. nick and zo and kenneth are the first gay people that i have known much less have become close with. i think nick was scared to tell me he was gay because he thought i wouldn;t want to be his friend anymore or something or think less of him. he was still in the closet i guess. whenever he finally did tell after a year of knowing him, i was devastated. i was hurt that he kept such a big secret from me. i was also really sad that he thought he couldn;t tell because i would not like him. then it made me even more sad to think he didn't tell me for fear of losing our bond. if anything we are closer. we have just one more thing in common. i don;t know how to explain the other way i felt. i can't label it. but it was like i didn;t even know him and i was almost being reintroduced. i now feel ashamed because that tiny extra piece of knowledge i gained about him didn;t change a damn thing. it made it seem like i finally knew every detail about him. making us even closer. i am not sure if the thing i should hate should be whatever makes gay people gay. once again i say this not because i believe it is wrong, i just think it would be easier on everyone. ignorant people wouldn't be homophobic, gay people wouldn't be seen as less than society, everyone would just be the same. then again i think it would be so boring. maybe i should hate that there isn;t enough gay people. maybe of there was enough out in the open, like 50% of the population, then it would be seen like gender is. i am not sure why i am writing all this now but i think i am going to start keeping my xangas entries secret. that way i can say whatever i want and not worry about what people think of me. one of my things to do in life before i die is to write a book. and some people have told me they want to publish my xanga. hmm maybe i could change the names of the people i write about. i don;t want m book to be a sad book. so i think i will also write about the funny things that happen. lord knows there are a lot of those. then someday i can publish it under a pen name. and no one will ever know or care and they can just enjoy my book. thats what i am going to do. i need to wrap this up because i have to work now. its the second day and i am actually excited. even though i have to work on a friday. whatever. money is better than being hungover. i get off at 11:30. maybe i can still party? this is kinda a stupid start for a book. maybe i will just consider this the prelude.