So its been awhile and i guess not alot has happened but in a way alot has. i went to this gay club here thursday night with my friends kristen, keegan, porsche and kristen's best friend bri. bri and kristen are lesbians btw. i had so much fun. there was a drag show. this one man was dressed like a woman and prettier than i was :(. everyone was so....open. no one cared what you did and who you did it with. while i was there, my mind was whirling and trying to catergorize and figure out gay/lesbian/transender/whatever else was there. i couldn;t understand what makes you bisexual and how one could be bi and i didn't understand what drag queens were atracted to and how to catergorize them. then sometime during the night i realized it can't be done. it just is. you can't label it. you can just feel it. when the adjectives are broken away you are left with just bare attraction to whatever it is that makes you happiest. so i danced like i had never danced before, free from judgement. i got hit on and my ass grabbed by girls and got called beautiful, pretty and kissed by gay men. it was awesome. until i thought about why they called me beautiful. was it because i thought they thought i was a drag queen? whatever. compliments are compliments.
There has also been some drama in the house. let me break it down for you. nick and zo are dating. they say they aren't but they mess around and sleep together almost every night. yeah they're dating. at the beginning nick was wary of zo cheating on him with another boy in jefferson city about 30 minutes from here. this boy named jeremy apparently has a crush on zo. well kenneth messed around with him first. zo and kenneth and sometimes nick go up and visit them on wednesday so they can watch some gay show with them. like a real gay tv show. me, kenneth and nick had some speculation that zo was really messing around with jeremy. zo would disappear for hours on end at night and be real secretive. me and nick finally realized that zo is independant and a private person and wasn;t actually messing around with him. well at least we are choosing to believe that. kenneth for some reason is still trying to dig up stuff. he claims he has proof and he is trying to get info out of me. i do know stuff or at least i am on my way to knowing it. well now zo says he wants to cut kenneth off from the friendship. kenneth says all he wants to do is prevent nick from getting hurt. i am not sure whats going on since i have no proof about anything. anyway kenneth stormed out of the house saturday after he yelled at me and was all fake, saying he was going to the lake of the ozarks to his friends. he lied. its too cold for that and he has no friends there. he went to stl i bet. and he called today saying his car broke down and asked if he could use my credit card to pay for it and he would pay me back. i can say no about as well as i can lie. so all i could do is come up with is that i had 200 dollars left on my credit limit, cross my fingers and pray that it would cost more. thank god the mechanic said i'd have to be there to sign it. now he wants to use it to pay for rent and overdraw hos account to pay for the mechanics bill. i am torn. i have no problem helping a friend. especially if they paid for my books like kenneth did. BUT i do have a problem when that person was a bitch to me not 48 hours ago and is all hunky dory now that i have something he needs. ew i just used hunky dory. gag. i think i just may avoid him or pretend i went blind and deaf. that last one sounds the best. haha no pun intended. god i am lame.
i worked alot last week. i got to work with tabeesh! he is this indian guy who i love! he has braces which reminded me of a grill. i think thats why i love him. I also hung out with keegan alot. i fucking love that girl. she is pretty much my soul mate. i am not saying she is replacing heather but she is making it easier. i love her to death. we are so much alike its not even funny. well actually its hilarious.

kenneth pissed me off so bad last night. one of our friends stopped by who already knew he was gay and i jokingly said something about how he has a lot of boys over. i did not know this who be such a big deal to him. well it was and he got so mad. he went to go pick someone up so i went to bed and later that night he came in my bed when i was reading and was like i can;t be mad at you. whatever. also i don;t know why i do this but i let him do things. not like sex or anything but just chest up over my clothes touching. its not that i don;t want him, not at all. its just that i think i am leading him on? idk but i like to tease him and that is so wrong. i especially am no person to tease anyone. but i can;t help it. i like the attention. he thinks we are going to have sex. but today we were sitting the bookstore food court helping him study, laughing and just being goofy when all of a sudden he started bitching at me for letting his "secret" slip to kristen, the girl that came over last night. he makes it seem like i told he was gay. what he doesn;t know is that people figure it out on their own. he acts so flamboyant. more so than nick and nick is really gay, not bi like kenneth. so he starts bitching at me telling me i am not a good friend and i was like getting upset almost to tears. so i told him i was going to leave and he was like "good luck getting home". i like fuck this so i got up and ate lunch with nick. then he came along a little while later and apologized and said that he loved me or whatever. i swear he just picks fights randomly. then he took me home and we stopped at old navy and he picked another fight. i am one that easily forgives and forgets so i was over it by the time we left. on the way out he was holding my hand saying "this just feels right". he always says that whenever we are playfully spooning or feeling me up. he is always wanting to kiss me too. he always says things like "we're gonna have sex " and what not. just about every weekend i think he tries to get me drunk so that i will sleep with him. how i am describing him makes him sound like a rapist but i promsie you he is not. i trust him with my life. we play too much but he knows when i am seriosu and to be honest i think he is scared of girls so it would take a lot of coaxing. anyway today was a pretty good day. it was really cold so i bought a hoodie and a lamp from the bookstore. student charge. i will be paying for it until i am 39. so they had both better last and my grandkids better appreciate them.

Today was alright. i woke up with the intention of going to class but instead went to random with kenneth. it was pretty fun. i did run into my old roommate from last year. let me update you on her. Her name is Cortney and we were the best of friends. we did everything together. we were pretty much the same. then she started treating me like i was ten. one day during easter break she went home. there is no need for jews like myself to be home for easter. so i stayed on campus. and she had the nerve to send me an email telling me not to go anywhere by myself and to be inside after dark. wtf. anyway me and kalie decided to play with her volleyball outside. long story short we threw it through an open window in the dorm next door, hit a girl in the head and she kept it. it was like her volleyball from her highschool team senior year. it had "sentimental value" or whatever and couldn;t be replaced. well she lectured me for a hour and half. i wanted to cry cuz i was so angry but kept telling myself i could cry later. that usually works and when later comes i am over it. well when later did finally come, i had a break down and relized how unhappy she was making me. i basically stopped hanging out with her and she got the point. she still was a bitch to me. but i got her back. she would always ask for tylenol before class. so one day i gave her tylenol pm. she was like passing out in class and on the way back. when she tried to take a nap after class i banged on the wall outside and then threw mulch at the window after she yelled to quit. i would also flush the broken toilet while she was showering so it would flush for two minutes making her shower water icy cold. needless to say we left the year on not so good terms. well i saw her at the bookstore and she apologized and everything. she said she hated losing friends and she especially hated losing best friends. so i think we are friends again. i really do miss all the fun we had together. kenneth has a girl friend over right now. i don't like the girl ones. i like being the girl int he house. she needs to leave. bah. i bought a new iPod today. its black and pretty. i think i am going to name her Lola. she is a show girl. 3 days until davina and sydney come!

Today was alright. i woke up with the intention of going to class but instead went to random with kenneth. it was pretty fun. i did run into my old roommate from last year. let me update you on her. Her name is Cortney and we were the best of friends. we did everything together. we were pretty much the same. then she started treating me like i was ten. one day during easter break she went home. there is no need for jews like myself to be home for easter. so i stayed on campus. and she had the nerve to send me an email telling me not to go anywhere by myself and to be inside after dark. wtf. anyway me and kalie decided to play with her volleyball outside. long story short we threw it through an open window in the dorm next door, hit a girl in the head and she kept it. it was like her volleyball from her highschool team senior year. it had "sentimental value" or whatever and couldn;t be replaced. well she lectured me for a hour and half. i wanted to cry cuz i was so angry but kept telling myself i could cry later. that usually works and when later comes i am over it. well when later did finally come, i had a break down and relized how unhappy she was making me. i basically stopped hanging out with her and she got the point. she still was a bitch to me. but i got her back. she would always ask for tylenol before class. so one day i gave her tylenol pm. she was like passing out in class and on the way back. when she tried to take a nap after class i banged on the wall outside and then threw mulch at the window after she yelled to quit. i would also flush the broken toilet while she was showering so it would flush for two minutes making her shower water icy cold. needless to say we left the year on not so good terms. well i saw her at the bookstore and she apologized and everything. she said she hated losing friends and she especially hated losing best friends. so i think we are friends again. i really do miss all the fun we had together. kenneth has a girl friend over right now. i don't like the girl ones. i like being the girl int he house. she needs to leave. bah. i bought a new iPod today. its black and pretty. i think i am going to name her Lola. she is a show girl. 3 days until davina and sydney come!

Sunday September 17

So last night my other ay roommate kenneth came back from St. Louis and he brought with him a friend. a gay friend. now let me tell you a little something about the boys he brings home. they are like hard core gay and very flamboyant. and i love them. one time he brought home this boy to stay the weekend and we were instant best friends. he straightened my hair, he picked out my outfit and he went shopping with me. we sang in the back seat of the car on the way to the mall. nick got jealous. i loved it! well the one he brought home last night i almost instantly bonded with. he asked me how to put on foundation and asked me to put mascara. i know i should be weirded out by that kind of stuff, especially since i have never been exposed to it previously, but i fucking love it. there are many different kinds of gay people i have decided. there are those that are stereotypical, good at shoes, decorating, fashion, kinda feminine. then there are the gay people like my roommates. who aren't very gay at all. they are just boys who like to have sex with boys. not nearly as fun as the ones that kenneth brings home. kenneth always gets sick of them before the weekend is over and they always leave with my number and loving me. i absolutely love the perks of having gay best friends. kalie also stayed over last night because her leg was hurting her. i took care of her. that was fun. she slept in my bed and it was freezing in here last night. we fought over the blankets. she left now. i love it when she is over here.

Saturday September 16

i get woken up this morning by kalie calling me to tell me she needs a ride to the urgent care center becuase she got stitches. so i et ready and as i am in the bathroom peeing when i hear a knock on the door. i yelled just a minute and i am peeing but before i could even finish my sentence nick just busted in. not cute. so we go to the urgent care center and they give kalie crutches for free! lucky. apparently she went to a toga party last night and was wasted. she was on a school bus coming back home when she jumped out of the back and landed on her knee. her friends took her to the ER at like 4 oclock in the morning and she was belligerently drunk. they gave her stitches and she just yelled. she said she couldn;t even feel it really from the numbing shots and alcohol but she still just screamed. wish i could have been there. so she is staying at my house. yay! i get to play nurse. i really am glad she is here. i thought i was going to have to work on sunday at 9:45 in the morning but a girl called me today and asked if she could switch me. so i don't have to work until 4 in the afternoon. i cannot wait to see my girls sydney and davina. they are my best friends ever. i wish heather martin would come up too. i miss her. she is my other half practically. its amazing how alike we are. but next weekend d and syd are coming! that automactically means FUCKING AWESOME times. i made a grill out of a gum wrapper and feel pretty badass right now.

Firday September 15

i just got home from work at kohls and i accidently left my itunes on. well it was off when i came home and i am pretty sure nick had closed out of the program for me. no big deal. except he read the last xanga entry that i had also left up. i really hope he didn;t read it. shit. i am gong to avoid him tomorrow and just wait for him to say something. i am prolly just overanalyzing this like i usually do and making it a bigger deal. oh well. i sold 2 credits today at work and am in the excellent zone my boss said. yes! i also love being a cashier and counting down the drawers. idk why. but my hands always smell like change and when i have to lick my fingertip so i can get the bags apart i always forget and taste the money. i wanted to gag each and every time. at work when i had down time i was thinking what kind of book i wanted mine to be. i think i am going to wait until the end and just see what it turns out to be. i do know i want pictures in it. i think i am embarassed that nick may have read my stuff cuz it was personal. too bad he is sleeping right now. i could go in his room and jump on his bed and ask him. ps, i'm not real good at the avoiding thing. i would rather confront my problems. not because i am brave. lord no. because i just get so curious. omg. today at work, i was at the cash register and these india people came in and when they were done and leaving instead of saying "have a good night" i fucking said "thank you come again" fuck. me. running. i didn;t say it with an accent but still. they gave me a look and said something in nit english. i really would have prefered to just drop dead right then. i could feel the color drain from my face. sorry my self diagnosed ADD is so bad and i keep jumping around.

Prelude

ok. i am terrified of my roommates and other gay friends catching AIDS and dying. like to the point where i cry about it. i do not know what i would do. esp nick and lorenzo and kenneth. they are pretty much my best friends. hell nick is practically my soulmate. its so funny how attached i have become to him. i thought living with him would make me crazy. but i really can;t see myself living without him. i love him completely but i pray and wish everyday that he wasn't gay. i honestly see him as the one person i could spend the rest of my life with. i am not a pessimist in the least so i am also very grateful that he is gay cuz i will always be the number one girl in his life. and he will always be in my life forever. i don't even want a husband anyway so thats good. i guess i also pray there was no such thing as a gay people. not because i hate them or think it is wrong, but because if they were straight then people couldn;t hate. but then i think that as long as i am praying i should pray that people could just accept everyone and not make it a deal at all. and even if he was straight doesn;t mean he would like me anyway. that last part is lame. Zo is a up and coming broadcaster. he is so talented and i have no doubt in my mind that he will be famous. but because of his ambitions his thinks he has to keep his preference a secret. idk if he is right or not but it makes me so sad that he can't completely who he wants to be that way it doesn't jeopardize his career. idk if he is embarassed about it either. i hope not that would make me even more sad. i am full of hate. not hate towards gay people or people who aren't "what they should be". i hate society for not accepting everyone as they are and for putting such an emphasis on it. i hate whatever decided to make gay/straight people. why do things have to be either/or. why can't it be the same as gender. where some people are just born male/female. some people do believe that's what makes people gay. i think that being gay is just a preference. like some people prefer blue and others prefer red. i guess i should not like people who like red because thats weird. i am really glad that none of that shit matters to me. if it did then i would be missing out on the best moments/friends/everything. nick and zo and kenneth are the first gay people that i have known much less have become close with. i think nick was scared to tell me he was gay because he thought i wouldn;t want to be his friend anymore or something or think less of him. he was still in the closet i guess. whenever he finally did tell after a year of knowing him, i was devastated. i was hurt that he kept such a big secret from me. i was also really sad that he thought he couldn;t tell because i would not like him. then it made me even more sad to think he didn't tell me for fear of losing our bond. if anything we are closer. we have just one more thing in common. i don;t know how to explain the other way i felt. i can't label it. but it was like i didn;t even know him and i was almost being reintroduced. i now feel ashamed because that tiny extra piece of knowledge i gained about him didn;t change a damn thing. it made it seem like i finally knew every detail about him. making us even closer. i am not sure if the thing i should hate should be whatever makes gay people gay. once again i say this not because i believe it is wrong, i just think it would be easier on everyone. ignorant people wouldn't be homophobic, gay people wouldn't be seen as less than society, everyone would just be the same. then again i think it would be so boring. maybe i should hate that there isn;t enough gay people. maybe of there was enough out in the open, like 50% of the population, then it would be seen like gender is. i am not sure why i am writing all this now but i think i am going to start keeping my xangas entries secret. that way i can say whatever i want and not worry about what people think of me. one of my things to do in life before i die is to write a book. and some people have told me they want to publish my xanga. hmm maybe i could change the names of the people i write about. i don;t want m book to be a sad book. so i think i will also write about the funny things that happen. lord knows there are a lot of those. then someday i can publish it under a pen name. and no one will ever know or care and they can just enjoy my book. thats what i am going to do. i need to wrap this up because i have to work now. its the second day and i am actually excited. even though i have to work on a friday. whatever. money is better than being hungover. i get off at 11:30. maybe i can still party? this is kinda a stupid start for a book. maybe i will just consider this the prelude.