Boys Don't Like Girls Who Drive Vans

So last friday i had to work from 11 in the morning until 5 then from 7 until 2:30 a.m. it sucked. i hate kohls. i was just going to skip class, my french and my food science one. well in my food science one i completely forgot we had a test until it was too late. so i emailed him and told him my grandpa died and i had to leave immediately to fly out to ohio. pointer #1: do not give too much information! it narrows things down too much and makes it harder. when my g-pa really did die last year, ahem, on my birthday, during finals week and i emailed my teachers they had no problem letting me make up the finals and none asked for documentation. so i figured my food science teacher wouldn't either. WRONG. he said before i could the make-up in december i would need a funeral program or death certificate. ok no bigger. i am great at forging stuff. ok lets call it reproducing an almost exact copy of important things, such as physicals (i hate doctors and wanted to play tennis), report cards (dad was gonna take the van away if i didn't have a C average) and doctor's notes (i needed off work i can;t remember what for at the moment). i am actually really good at this stuff and would so do it if it weren't so illegal. make the rules with lax too. anyhoo, i had plenty of time to get it done and would just get the program from my gpa's funeral when i went home for break. so. i worked and slept and was depressed i think all weekend and just wanted to sleep. so i slept in on monday and didn't go to french. no big deal i am awesome at french and can afford to miss a class. WRONG. the teacher gave a pop quiz. i sent her an email saying how my gpa died on thursday and i had to leave immediately to be with family in ohio and i had forgotten in the rush to notify her. too much info. but whatever. once again i figured she wouldn;t ask to see proof for a god forsaken 10 point quiz. WRONG. well i couldn;t make like a real program so i told her i had forgotten one at home and my dad could scan and email me one up. she said that would work. i was going to have my sister scan my gpa's one and just change it but only my dad knows how to work the scanner. now i did consider asking my dad to scan it for me. i would haave to explain why and i cannot lie to that man to save my life. so i considered telling the truth. i thought it out carefully and decided against it cuz my dad values honestly and intergrity or whatever. so i searched google images and found one that worked. my comp doesn't have photoshop or anything like that. so i was like i was on yearbook for 3 years. i can just design one on word, fold it, scan it, bada bing bada boom. then i remembered i had deleted word to make room for my music and videos for my new ipod. fuck me running. so at like 11:53 at night when i was done playing LIFE with the boys, i went to the comp lab my appt has and tried to design one. i couldn't find a scanner and need it for the next day. well that day rather since it was like 12:56 at that point. so i remembered the scanner on campus in one of the 24 hour comp labs. i rushed over and every comp by the scanner was taken. i felt like i would be judged if someone saw what i was doing. so i grabbed a secluded comp and went to work. i found software that edited photos and got busy. it took me like an hour and a half but i had created a perfectly scanned copy of the funeral program with out scanning. i drove home and went to bed at like 5 cuz i felt guilty. since i kinda believed in karma i was sure i was going to spontaneously combust twice, since i made two copies. on friday i took my french quiz, did fantastic, went to class then left at noon to get nick to the airport at 2 and keegan home after that. we had the car loaded up, ready to go on time. we get 2 minutes out and wham. i run right into the back of an SUV that is stopped with no brake lights or blinker. i was paying attention, i swear, ask nick and keegan. so we pull over, the cops come, my hood is smashed upward, the radiator is busted, i hurt. i can't get ahold of my dad so i freak out and cry from panic and pain. well i blame it on the panic cuz i am not going to the hospital. fuck that shit. i hate doctors all up in my business. well the whole thing takes forever and as the adrenaline wears off, my chest and back hurt real bad. like to breathe and laugh and cry. so i just stop. keegan and nick decide its a good idea to go so i give up and just go. nick leaves cuz he is fine and takes the bottle of vodka i had in the back in the open out in his coat. classy i know. so me and keegan go and get x-rayed and checked out. i am a little worse off than keegan. she goes in first though and gets a room to herself while i am stuck in he hall on a bed with like really sick people coughing up lungs and bleeding from the ears. i am pretty sure i caught like SARS from there. she also got a gown to get x-rayed in while i had to take my bra off through the sleeves of my shirt in the goddamn hallway. i hope those invalids enjoyed my show. shit. so i walk the x-ray room like white trash at wal-mart with no support. turns out i had the slightest internal bleeding which could have been marked down to bruising or whatever. they said it pretty mch stopped before it began. i had to wait a good 2 hours in the ER by myself and i was not talking to Bleeding Ears or Tuberculosis next to me so i just got to thinking about karma. they release us and keegans dad took us home to STL and nick to the airport. i am feeling a little better but i did pee blood this morning a little. i'm not going back to the ER. i will just deal with it. its a nice change anyway. its kinda marbled and lovely now. i am a little pissed though that karma took my car. why couldn't it have taken my hair or my ipod or my leg. actually just leg. why? i have no idea how i am going to get to work or home for thanksgiving. whatever. i will just eat the turkey lunch meat in the drawer i think is only a little bit expired.


i am feeling much better. my roommates left me for the holiday week and i am completely alone. i went to work on sunday and monday which wasn;t bad cuz i got to talk to people. but today i didnt work and all the time i am home alone is making me crazy. i talk to myself i've realized and just have sudden outbursts. i talked to my unicorn mystic and asked her what she wants to eat when we get hungry. i ate ridiculous things and did stupid stuff to pass the time. i have taken idk how many baths and organized my closet. i have played with my make up and done my hair so much i think i have done permanent damage. i am still alittle sore from the accident but that did not stop from trying to learn the dance moves to dirty pop (the part where jt's like man i'm tired of singing) or choreographing to some of my fave songs. i ate half a bag of frozen raspberries and ordered chinese just so i could have some human interaction. and ok i was hungry and the food was good. i did have a visitor but i am not going into that. i cleaned our kitchen and everything. i planned on sleeping away my day off. i went to bed super late and when i woke up this morning i felt super rested and just knew it had to be like at least 2 in the afternoon. i looked at the clock and it was 8:24. ok i will just go back to sleep. wrong. i got up and ate the chinese food that was supposed to be lunch/dinner at like 8:45. i cleaned and watched tv. i got a headache from not having my daily dose of caffeine. i ate the hot chocolate mix out of the packet thing and then ate the powdered red gatorade mix from the can. it was tasty. my mouth was a little dry. i drank some wine from the 5 liter bottle in our kitchen. i'm aware that this probably qualifies me as an alcoholic but it helps pass the time. and i can quit when i want. i was hung over by 5 and passed out at 6 only to wake up 9:30. i watched nip/tuck and american pie. again. now i am updating my xanga and getting ready to go to bed. i work tomorrow. thank god. i need human interaction. i am going to hug everyone. no joke. then my dad is coming to pick up my car and take me the fuck home.

Boys Don't Like Girls Who Drive Vans

i got a phone call from just a number, no name on thursday as i was getting out of the shower so i answered it. i heard "iiiii'm here!" coming from the other end then it clicked that i was supposed to pick up my friend jamie who flew in from rhode island to see me. i completely forgot and was like "oh? i will be there in 10 minutes, trafiic is retched". i got dressed and sped the whole way there. i was so excited to see her all week i cannot believe i forgot. we had fun the whole weekend. we reminiscenced about first semester in the dorms when we first met. she also visited this guy who she liked alot who also had a girlfriend. i saw a movie with cortney(more on that later). she called me at like midnight and was like come pick up all crying and stuff. so i went with nick and picked her up. on the way back she leans out the car door and throws up. nick totally queens out on me and prances in the house shrieking "ew ew ew ew groooooooss!". i turn up the radio to drown out the splatter but then i smeel it and start to feel sick. fuck it. i pull the car in crookedly and start ralphing myslef on the other side of the car. jamie is trying to apologize between hurls as i am trying to comfort her between my own. we finally make it inside and i see these guys who were wathcing us with their arms crossed, expressionless.
ok so lately i have been really really sad. it seems like all of my friends have been letting me down excpet for keegan. without her i would die. she is my escape, my release, my good time no matter what. i can be who i am around her without judgement and tell her anything. she has helped me so much by letting me sleep in her room and just helping me. i love her to death. me and nick used to be super close but now that him and zo are boyfriend and i guess boyfriend i am left out. it seems like he only gives me attention when he needs a ride someplace. i will be telling him a story and he will interrupt me and say outloud "i wonder where my zo is at". what the hell. when nick was mad at zo i was there for him. i was his sidekick. he was fun.now that he is taken he doesn;t want to do anything unless zo is doing it. he is zo's little bitch. now don't get me wrong, i love zo to death and i don;t blame him for the way nick has been treating me and acting lately. nick does it all himself. i just wish i was more included. nick is one of my best friends and i love spending time with him but i can;t anymore it seems. it makes me hate "zo-and-nick". which i don;t want to do. i want to be happy that they are happy but its hard when our status went from "twins" down to "aquaintances". whenever i think about it, i get a bad taste in my mouth and it makes me want to avoid him. i almost wisj i would have chosen to live on campus. he would have never told me he was gay and i would have been ignorant and blissful. and then when i did see him every once and a while i maybe could have 100% of his attention even if for a little while. i also wouldn;t have to put up with kenneth's petty bullshit and teeter totter moods. i think i might be happier and mentally heathier. i swear i am trying to be optimistic and focus on the good things but sometimes its strains me to find it. and that can be exhausting. i have tried to talk to nick about it but he says i am being dramatic. so i just give up and pretend. i wonder if i had a significant other to obsess about if i would be better. hmm. i am going to get on that. there is this guy names ryan that i think is completely adorable. he is always complimenting me whenever i see him and (i hope) flirting. idk if he does that to every girl. i really don't care, i like it. i joked about how i have a crush on him and they all pretty much shot him down saying he wasn't good. secretly i am so attracted to him. he is funny and cute and really nice. whatev. whatever happens, happens. since whenever me and nick eat together anymore we fight, i decided to try something daring and eat by myself. ok. i ate by myself cuz i had no one else to eat with besides him. well it worked out well in my favor. a few days ago i ate with my hetero life partner becky and saw this guy i am also in love with at plaza. mike came over and said hi to me first and when he asked how i was doing and i said eh, instead of leaving it at that he genuinely seemed to care and asked why. that made my day. then when i decided to eat by myself i saw him at a table before he saw me. i am very good that by the way. i am always very aware of my surroundings and who is in them. so i strategically sat at a table a few away from but still in sight of him and pretended to be engrossed in my ipod. i set myself down and got in line for food. on the way back, i passed him but kept my eyes on my table. he asked if i was eating alone and i said he yes. he then said the hottest thing. he like ordered me to come sit with him. he was like "nope you're sitting with me now." ooo. i could have taken him on that table right there in the dining hall. i sat with two of his guy friends. one of which i sort of knew. i chatted them up and tried to be as charming as possible. i kinda see the friend i knew as potential too. the other one was too weird. i felt pretty good then. i had a test that day too so i studied for it and when i thought i couldn't study anymore i really got the urge to check my facebook and such. so i went to the computer store by the bookstore since all the other compters were taken and used one of the displays. tacky i know. but i had the shakes. so i checked facebook and had a comment from ryan. my day was basically made. i took my test and i think i did really well on it. keegan had given me atterol and it honestly helped me focus. my mind didn;t race like it usually does and i could actually organize my thoughts. i studied with it the night before and retained so much info. more than i usually do. so i popped another a few hours before my test. i think i did really well. it took me almost half the time to finish because i studied better and i didn;t have to struggle to focus on the questions and reread them. my mind wasn;t wandering, thinking about the stupid little things going on around me. after that i went and hung out with keegan. a perfect end to a really good day. then i got up and had breakfast in the dining hall by myself before working at 11 in the morning. i got off at 5, ate dinner with keegan and had to go back in at 7 until 1. yep. thats like 12 or so hours. but i feel really good. i cut myself on a cardboard box today and almost threw up, passed out and peed all at the same time. i really thought i was going to faint though. i told the lady who i was ringing out that if she got me a bandaid at customer service, i would give her 40 percent off her entire purchase. she did so i did too. then i was taking returns back and i had this little candle lamp thing. well i tripped over something and the glass holder part fell out and shattered. the pieces went everywhere. i was supposed to stand there and tell customers to watch out but i watched them step on it. oops. it took forever. it rained really bad today ad this lady came lke running in and she slipped and fell on her ass. i tried with every fiber in my being not to laugh at her and keep straight face. i couldn't do better than what must have been a big goofy smile and asked if she was ok. she said yes so i turned around and laughed and laughed. josh this gay guy who i loooooove went to help her and somehow my boss found out. she thought it was pretty funny though. i also called her up when i needed change and told her there was a small fire at my register and she believed me.
i am so glad things are getting better. i knew they would but i was getting impatient. i still have something else i have been wanting to get off my chest but i will save it for next time when i have something good to counter it. maybe tomorrow?

super long much needed update

ok its been like a month. not too crazy but a few things went down and some came up. i took a atterol that keegan gave me hoping i would be able to clean my room and do homework but all i motviated to do now is write. ho hum. lets see where to start. work at kohls has been alright. they are still not giving me enough hours but i have enough for rent the rest of this semester and i my refund will come next semester so all is good there. the drama in the house is climaxing. and not int he good way. kenneth is the biggest bitch ever. he reminds me so much of my mom. i hate him. he basically said that he wished i was shot in a drive by and that my soul was ugly to match my personality. wtf. he wrote all this is his blog then didn;t talk to me for like 3 days unless it was to tell me he hated me. so i got pissed and wrote in my blog about him, putting his ass on blast. he didn't read it then he kinda got better? whatever. i took it off but i still hate him. nick and zo broke up then got back together i guess. whatever. when they were on their break i went with him and some of his friends to a gay bar for karaoke. it was so much fun. i wanted to sing "just the girl" by click 5 but they wouldn;t let. i didn't know why at first until they told me that i would send the wrong idea to the sleezy girls there and would prolly be raped by "candy" who was sitting the corner smoking a cigerette. so i just watched. it was so much fun. they did put my name down to sing electric slide. that was cute. not. the last song they played was "cable car" by the fray. idk what it was but i just felt so infinite. the atmosphere, the people singing, who i was with, the laughing, everyone singing. it was just perfect. i mean it wasn't like spectaculer and it was only perfect to me i think but it was amazing. one of my favorite moments. since then i have heard the that song and "how to save a life" which is also by them all the time now. i think it means osmething. also whenever i look at a clock the numbers are always in order, like 12:34 or 4:56 or when its all the same number like 11:11. its really weird esp since i was born at 3:45. i am prolly being stupid but whatev. today and i heard how to save a life come on. then i noticed it was 2:22 and my odometer was at 234. i was hoping for like my soulmate to call and say he was in love with me or somethihng wonderful but nothing. :( a few weeks ago i pretty much had a break down. i got to thinking about my friends and realized i have none. kalie and me aren't really friends anymore. i'm not as sad as i thought i would be. she basically went through kenneth and talked shit about me to him and picked a fight with sydney that didn;t go how she wanted.s o she turned on me, calling me a patholoical liar and what not. and that she felt awkward at my house even though she had no problem coming here when she needed to. whatever. i am done with her. i was crying like hysterically and hyperventilting, the works. nick tried to cheer me up and get me to stop crying but he couldn;t and got frustatrated. kenneth didn;t understand at all and just made it worse by telling me everyone hated me cuz i was bitch. i wanted to die. not kill myself but if i got into a bad wreck i would haveb een ok with that. i was scared at how sad i was. i think i may have been depressed even but i hate using that word because i am such a happy person all the time. i was convinced something was wrong with me. keegan and heather saved my life. when i called her though, i said she was all i had, in way that was supposed to mean like she better not leave me cuz then i would have nothing. but she kinda took it the wrong way and was like "i know i am not good enough but i will always be here for you". broke my fucking heart. heather couldn't understand how sad i really was just by iming but she tried and just having her attetnion helped. on the weekends i usaully go out with zo and nick and some other people to gay parties. i am not using gay as an insult. they are literally a party with homosexual people. i could care less but damn, a straight needs to party with heteros too. we never do and if i had more friends i would go with them but since i don;t i am stuck at the rainbow parties. its def better than nothing but people, me included, are questioning my sexuality. shit. at the last one we went to was a grafiiti party. everyone had sharpies and wore a white t-shirt. lots of vulgar things were drawn and written on me and i wrote some out to. my boobs were owned by nick and his friend pat and his friend kevin wrote "best ass i've ever had" on my ass. nick fell on his back on a couch and pulled me on him. then zo layed on top of me, both humping me and yelling things like "look at the jenn sandwich, eat up" and "oreo gnag bang". so much fun. nick drew a smiley face on the ass of my jeans so i signed his name on the leatehr couch and wall. oops. i also got bored and drew mustaches on the pictures hanging up. last week my dad bought me a car! a 97 nissan altima. its silver and i am not even embarassed by it! on the way home to get it, i had to drive the van. the fuel filter is bad so it doesn;t accelerate quickly and doesn;t go above 60 mph. i am used to speeding home and getting there in an hour. it took almost an hour and 45 mintutes. there is a huge valley liek halfway between here and there. i am talking ears popping, no radio stations valley. going downhill was fine. the van is heavy so i let gravity make me go fast. coming out of the valley, not so much fun. i started going uphill and gravity was a bitch holding me back. i gunned it as much as i could and was going 25! people were honking and passing when they could. i was so embarassed. i went home to get it and to watch rocky horror picture show with sydney and davina. i love them and i think its going to become a tradition. i hope anyway. we slutted it up and i did the best i coudl with that. i wore a super short black skirt with my royal purple homecoming top. i also wore black thigh highs and was supposed to wear black underwear but i forgot them at my appartment and wore my sheep undies. oops. i was self conscience the whole night not to let them show. all was good until i went to the bathroom. i checked to make sure my skirt was down. the bathroom was packed and when i washed my hands i heard giggling then a camera flash. when i looked over syd was cracking up at her camera with davina. my skirt was tucked in my sheep drawers. everyone in the bathroom was laughing at me. while i was also home, i visited high school to eat lunch with my sister melissa. i had two teachers in mind i really wanted to visit. they turned me away at the office when i came. so ileft but melissa called me and said that mrs. moran would sneak me in through the preschool door at the back of the school. i was scared i was going to get arrested for trespassing. i talked with her for a few hours and then i visited coach mac. as left i almost cried because i realzed what huge impact both of those women had on my life. coach mac was my yearbook teacher and sparked my interst in writing and made me see that i was half way decent at it. she made me compete at competitions and her class was the one where i tested out my personality. i was super shy the first year in her class and in every class. i don;t know why i chose her class to be me but its just the effect she has. i am pretty sure i should give her some kind of cash reward for all the trouble and stress i am sure i caused her. i was loud and obnoxious. and she was polite and never yelled too much for me to do my work. she is very encouraging has a way of making students shine in their best light and making them just plain old feel good. i really admire her because of her compassion and courage. she lets the newspaper be a student run publication and gets criticism everyday i am sure from people who don;t agree. she is almost always under a microscope for her yearbook and newspaper methods. mrs. moran wasn't really my teacher. the title given to her was counselor to the kids in the gifted program but she taught me life lessons and let me feel like i was someone great. she encouraged me that taking risks was ok and that it was better to do something and regret than to not do it and wonder the what ifs. she let me know that everyone has their problems and how you handle them is what makes you. she put so much time and energy into her students. she had a situation a few years ago when she was my teacher. i won;t go into much detail since its not my business and i don;t really know all the facts but she basically got in trouble for her kindness and was taken advantage of. this all happened at the other high school in the district where she also worked. she could have let the incident ruin her career. but she didn;t. she kept her head above it all and pushed through. even when a local radio station made a parody of it on air, she shrugged it off and never let her anger show. she maintained her composure through the whole thing and in the end everything was fine. if not better. she also battled cancer right after that. she is fine now, thank god. she didn't let court cases and potential diseases even once make her take a break from what she loves to do. i can talk to her about anything and she will not be phased. she will give me advice i can actually use then make me laugh. coach mac is also good at giving advice and talking with you on the same level. i loved when i would talk to her during class in hushed tones because she was telling me things as my friend, my mentor instead of my teacher. i left from my high school close to tears because i wanted to talk to both of them forever and drove straight back to mizzou. everything that i talked about with coach mac and mrs moran was fresh in my mind so i thought alot about them and their impact. i never really thought about it until recently but i really hope i grow up to be a combination of them both. they are both so wise and strong. there compassion is contagious. i miss being able to see them whenever i wanted to. i don;t think they were ever voted for teacher of the year or anything like that. maybe its because people just don't know. maybe they are really good at hiding their greatness. i think its because "teacher of the year" is too weak of an award for people like them. the other day me and nick went to eat and we were walking out of the dorm and there were people all around us. we had been squabbling the whole meal like we usually do. when we got outside i just happened to be bitching about how i drive him everywhere and how he is ungrateful he was. there were people all around us. nick turns around and yells "I'M UNGRATEFUL! I GO DOWN ON YOU EVERY NIGHT AND YOU NEVER LET ME STICK IT IN!!!" oh. my. god. people stopped what they were doing and gave me awful looks, looking me up and down. i hardly ever get that embarassed but i pretty much wanted to die. i froze and just stared at him in disbelief processing what he just said. i had friends coming up to visit at mizzou this weekend and i was coming back saturday night for the parties so i brought davina with me and she went home with heather on sunday. we went to a few halloween parties. the first was at this guy from high schools house. it was lame. so me and davina went to this barn party. i don;t know if you have something different in mind but i was expecting to be a barn themed party or something in a house. no. hell no. it was in a goddamn barn! there were stalls and hay and animals. ok there was one animal. and it was a dog. but still. me and davina had to walk in mud in our heels and prom dresses (we were princesses). i lost my shoe in the mud. when we first got there a police officer with a flashlight stopped us and asked if we had been drinking. i prayed davina kept her mouth shut and let me do the talking. i said no, cuz i hadn't, then davina was like "he is a fake!". my heart dropped to my feet and i was sure we were gonna get arrested. then he kinda smiled and was like "why not?". i pretty much peed my self in relief. it was cold so i wore a jacket but people kept asking to see my dress. we sat by the bonfire on a log to get warm. in my prom dress. my baby. we left and met up with people at hitt street market to eat. and then we went home. my prom dress is muddy and has beer on it. it is also ripped and smells like bonfire. what have i done? i cleaned out the van when i was home and the new car too. i found condoms in the back and on the passenger side in the fornt seat. my dad saw and was like they are dry rotted don;t get any ideas. when i told him about the ones in the trunk he said he could just picture the girl who had it before me turning tricks out the back of it! HAHAHA! i asked my dad how he got the car for so cheap and he said it was becaause he is a baller! i told him if i found any love stains in the backseat, back to driving the van it was. thats all i have for now. i am going to try and update more often. its theraputic almost.

So its been awhile and i guess not alot has happened but in a way alot has. i went to this gay club here thursday night with my friends kristen, keegan, porsche and kristen's best friend bri. bri and kristen are lesbians btw. i had so much fun. there was a drag show. this one man was dressed like a woman and prettier than i was :(. everyone was so....open. no one cared what you did and who you did it with. while i was there, my mind was whirling and trying to catergorize and figure out gay/lesbian/transender/whatever else was there. i couldn;t understand what makes you bisexual and how one could be bi and i didn't understand what drag queens were atracted to and how to catergorize them. then sometime during the night i realized it can't be done. it just is. you can't label it. you can just feel it. when the adjectives are broken away you are left with just bare attraction to whatever it is that makes you happiest. so i danced like i had never danced before, free from judgement. i got hit on and my ass grabbed by girls and got called beautiful, pretty and kissed by gay men. it was awesome. until i thought about why they called me beautiful. was it because i thought they thought i was a drag queen? whatever. compliments are compliments.
There has also been some drama in the house. let me break it down for you. nick and zo are dating. they say they aren't but they mess around and sleep together almost every night. yeah they're dating. at the beginning nick was wary of zo cheating on him with another boy in jefferson city about 30 minutes from here. this boy named jeremy apparently has a crush on zo. well kenneth messed around with him first. zo and kenneth and sometimes nick go up and visit them on wednesday so they can watch some gay show with them. like a real gay tv show. me, kenneth and nick had some speculation that zo was really messing around with jeremy. zo would disappear for hours on end at night and be real secretive. me and nick finally realized that zo is independant and a private person and wasn;t actually messing around with him. well at least we are choosing to believe that. kenneth for some reason is still trying to dig up stuff. he claims he has proof and he is trying to get info out of me. i do know stuff or at least i am on my way to knowing it. well now zo says he wants to cut kenneth off from the friendship. kenneth says all he wants to do is prevent nick from getting hurt. i am not sure whats going on since i have no proof about anything. anyway kenneth stormed out of the house saturday after he yelled at me and was all fake, saying he was going to the lake of the ozarks to his friends. he lied. its too cold for that and he has no friends there. he went to stl i bet. and he called today saying his car broke down and asked if he could use my credit card to pay for it and he would pay me back. i can say no about as well as i can lie. so all i could do is come up with is that i had 200 dollars left on my credit limit, cross my fingers and pray that it would cost more. thank god the mechanic said i'd have to be there to sign it. now he wants to use it to pay for rent and overdraw hos account to pay for the mechanics bill. i am torn. i have no problem helping a friend. especially if they paid for my books like kenneth did. BUT i do have a problem when that person was a bitch to me not 48 hours ago and is all hunky dory now that i have something he needs. ew i just used hunky dory. gag. i think i just may avoid him or pretend i went blind and deaf. that last one sounds the best. haha no pun intended. god i am lame.
i worked alot last week. i got to work with tabeesh! he is this indian guy who i love! he has braces which reminded me of a grill. i think thats why i love him. I also hung out with keegan alot. i fucking love that girl. she is pretty much my soul mate. i am not saying she is replacing heather but she is making it easier. i love her to death. we are so much alike its not even funny. well actually its hilarious.

kenneth pissed me off so bad last night. one of our friends stopped by who already knew he was gay and i jokingly said something about how he has a lot of boys over. i did not know this who be such a big deal to him. well it was and he got so mad. he went to go pick someone up so i went to bed and later that night he came in my bed when i was reading and was like i can;t be mad at you. whatever. also i don;t know why i do this but i let him do things. not like sex or anything but just chest up over my clothes touching. its not that i don;t want him, not at all. its just that i think i am leading him on? idk but i like to tease him and that is so wrong. i especially am no person to tease anyone. but i can;t help it. i like the attention. he thinks we are going to have sex. but today we were sitting the bookstore food court helping him study, laughing and just being goofy when all of a sudden he started bitching at me for letting his "secret" slip to kristen, the girl that came over last night. he makes it seem like i told he was gay. what he doesn;t know is that people figure it out on their own. he acts so flamboyant. more so than nick and nick is really gay, not bi like kenneth. so he starts bitching at me telling me i am not a good friend and i was like getting upset almost to tears. so i told him i was going to leave and he was like "good luck getting home". i like fuck this so i got up and ate lunch with nick. then he came along a little while later and apologized and said that he loved me or whatever. i swear he just picks fights randomly. then he took me home and we stopped at old navy and he picked another fight. i am one that easily forgives and forgets so i was over it by the time we left. on the way out he was holding my hand saying "this just feels right". he always says that whenever we are playfully spooning or feeling me up. he is always wanting to kiss me too. he always says things like "we're gonna have sex " and what not. just about every weekend i think he tries to get me drunk so that i will sleep with him. how i am describing him makes him sound like a rapist but i promsie you he is not. i trust him with my life. we play too much but he knows when i am seriosu and to be honest i think he is scared of girls so it would take a lot of coaxing. anyway today was a pretty good day. it was really cold so i bought a hoodie and a lamp from the bookstore. student charge. i will be paying for it until i am 39. so they had both better last and my grandkids better appreciate them.

Today was alright. i woke up with the intention of going to class but instead went to random with kenneth. it was pretty fun. i did run into my old roommate from last year. let me update you on her. Her name is Cortney and we were the best of friends. we did everything together. we were pretty much the same. then she started treating me like i was ten. one day during easter break she went home. there is no need for jews like myself to be home for easter. so i stayed on campus. and she had the nerve to send me an email telling me not to go anywhere by myself and to be inside after dark. wtf. anyway me and kalie decided to play with her volleyball outside. long story short we threw it through an open window in the dorm next door, hit a girl in the head and she kept it. it was like her volleyball from her highschool team senior year. it had "sentimental value" or whatever and couldn;t be replaced. well she lectured me for a hour and half. i wanted to cry cuz i was so angry but kept telling myself i could cry later. that usually works and when later comes i am over it. well when later did finally come, i had a break down and relized how unhappy she was making me. i basically stopped hanging out with her and she got the point. she still was a bitch to me. but i got her back. she would always ask for tylenol before class. so one day i gave her tylenol pm. she was like passing out in class and on the way back. when she tried to take a nap after class i banged on the wall outside and then threw mulch at the window after she yelled to quit. i would also flush the broken toilet while she was showering so it would flush for two minutes making her shower water icy cold. needless to say we left the year on not so good terms. well i saw her at the bookstore and she apologized and everything. she said she hated losing friends and she especially hated losing best friends. so i think we are friends again. i really do miss all the fun we had together. kenneth has a girl friend over right now. i don't like the girl ones. i like being the girl int he house. she needs to leave. bah. i bought a new iPod today. its black and pretty. i think i am going to name her Lola. she is a show girl. 3 days until davina and sydney come!

Today was alright. i woke up with the intention of going to class but instead went to random with kenneth. it was pretty fun. i did run into my old roommate from last year. let me update you on her. Her name is Cortney and we were the best of friends. we did everything together. we were pretty much the same. then she started treating me like i was ten. one day during easter break she went home. there is no need for jews like myself to be home for easter. so i stayed on campus. and she had the nerve to send me an email telling me not to go anywhere by myself and to be inside after dark. wtf. anyway me and kalie decided to play with her volleyball outside. long story short we threw it through an open window in the dorm next door, hit a girl in the head and she kept it. it was like her volleyball from her highschool team senior year. it had "sentimental value" or whatever and couldn;t be replaced. well she lectured me for a hour and half. i wanted to cry cuz i was so angry but kept telling myself i could cry later. that usually works and when later comes i am over it. well when later did finally come, i had a break down and relized how unhappy she was making me. i basically stopped hanging out with her and she got the point. she still was a bitch to me. but i got her back. she would always ask for tylenol before class. so one day i gave her tylenol pm. she was like passing out in class and on the way back. when she tried to take a nap after class i banged on the wall outside and then threw mulch at the window after she yelled to quit. i would also flush the broken toilet while she was showering so it would flush for two minutes making her shower water icy cold. needless to say we left the year on not so good terms. well i saw her at the bookstore and she apologized and everything. she said she hated losing friends and she especially hated losing best friends. so i think we are friends again. i really do miss all the fun we had together. kenneth has a girl friend over right now. i don't like the girl ones. i like being the girl int he house. she needs to leave. bah. i bought a new iPod today. its black and pretty. i think i am going to name her Lola. she is a show girl. 3 days until davina and sydney come!

Sunday September 17

So last night my other ay roommate kenneth came back from St. Louis and he brought with him a friend. a gay friend. now let me tell you a little something about the boys he brings home. they are like hard core gay and very flamboyant. and i love them. one time he brought home this boy to stay the weekend and we were instant best friends. he straightened my hair, he picked out my outfit and he went shopping with me. we sang in the back seat of the car on the way to the mall. nick got jealous. i loved it! well the one he brought home last night i almost instantly bonded with. he asked me how to put on foundation and asked me to put mascara. i know i should be weirded out by that kind of stuff, especially since i have never been exposed to it previously, but i fucking love it. there are many different kinds of gay people i have decided. there are those that are stereotypical, good at shoes, decorating, fashion, kinda feminine. then there are the gay people like my roommates. who aren't very gay at all. they are just boys who like to have sex with boys. not nearly as fun as the ones that kenneth brings home. kenneth always gets sick of them before the weekend is over and they always leave with my number and loving me. i absolutely love the perks of having gay best friends. kalie also stayed over last night because her leg was hurting her. i took care of her. that was fun. she slept in my bed and it was freezing in here last night. we fought over the blankets. she left now. i love it when she is over here.

Saturday September 16

i get woken up this morning by kalie calling me to tell me she needs a ride to the urgent care center becuase she got stitches. so i et ready and as i am in the bathroom peeing when i hear a knock on the door. i yelled just a minute and i am peeing but before i could even finish my sentence nick just busted in. not cute. so we go to the urgent care center and they give kalie crutches for free! lucky. apparently she went to a toga party last night and was wasted. she was on a school bus coming back home when she jumped out of the back and landed on her knee. her friends took her to the ER at like 4 oclock in the morning and she was belligerently drunk. they gave her stitches and she just yelled. she said she couldn;t even feel it really from the numbing shots and alcohol but she still just screamed. wish i could have been there. so she is staying at my house. yay! i get to play nurse. i really am glad she is here. i thought i was going to have to work on sunday at 9:45 in the morning but a girl called me today and asked if she could switch me. so i don't have to work until 4 in the afternoon. i cannot wait to see my girls sydney and davina. they are my best friends ever. i wish heather martin would come up too. i miss her. she is my other half practically. its amazing how alike we are. but next weekend d and syd are coming! that automactically means FUCKING AWESOME times. i made a grill out of a gum wrapper and feel pretty badass right now.

Firday September 15

i just got home from work at kohls and i accidently left my itunes on. well it was off when i came home and i am pretty sure nick had closed out of the program for me. no big deal. except he read the last xanga entry that i had also left up. i really hope he didn;t read it. shit. i am gong to avoid him tomorrow and just wait for him to say something. i am prolly just overanalyzing this like i usually do and making it a bigger deal. oh well. i sold 2 credits today at work and am in the excellent zone my boss said. yes! i also love being a cashier and counting down the drawers. idk why. but my hands always smell like change and when i have to lick my fingertip so i can get the bags apart i always forget and taste the money. i wanted to gag each and every time. at work when i had down time i was thinking what kind of book i wanted mine to be. i think i am going to wait until the end and just see what it turns out to be. i do know i want pictures in it. i think i am embarassed that nick may have read my stuff cuz it was personal. too bad he is sleeping right now. i could go in his room and jump on his bed and ask him. ps, i'm not real good at the avoiding thing. i would rather confront my problems. not because i am brave. lord no. because i just get so curious. omg. today at work, i was at the cash register and these india people came in and when they were done and leaving instead of saying "have a good night" i fucking said "thank you come again" fuck. me. running. i didn;t say it with an accent but still. they gave me a look and said something in nit english. i really would have prefered to just drop dead right then. i could feel the color drain from my face. sorry my self diagnosed ADD is so bad and i keep jumping around.

Prelude

ok. i am terrified of my roommates and other gay friends catching AIDS and dying. like to the point where i cry about it. i do not know what i would do. esp nick and lorenzo and kenneth. they are pretty much my best friends. hell nick is practically my soulmate. its so funny how attached i have become to him. i thought living with him would make me crazy. but i really can;t see myself living without him. i love him completely but i pray and wish everyday that he wasn't gay. i honestly see him as the one person i could spend the rest of my life with. i am not a pessimist in the least so i am also very grateful that he is gay cuz i will always be the number one girl in his life. and he will always be in my life forever. i don't even want a husband anyway so thats good. i guess i also pray there was no such thing as a gay people. not because i hate them or think it is wrong, but because if they were straight then people couldn;t hate. but then i think that as long as i am praying i should pray that people could just accept everyone and not make it a deal at all. and even if he was straight doesn;t mean he would like me anyway. that last part is lame. Zo is a up and coming broadcaster. he is so talented and i have no doubt in my mind that he will be famous. but because of his ambitions his thinks he has to keep his preference a secret. idk if he is right or not but it makes me so sad that he can't completely who he wants to be that way it doesn't jeopardize his career. idk if he is embarassed about it either. i hope not that would make me even more sad. i am full of hate. not hate towards gay people or people who aren't "what they should be". i hate society for not accepting everyone as they are and for putting such an emphasis on it. i hate whatever decided to make gay/straight people. why do things have to be either/or. why can't it be the same as gender. where some people are just born male/female. some people do believe that's what makes people gay. i think that being gay is just a preference. like some people prefer blue and others prefer red. i guess i should not like people who like red because thats weird. i am really glad that none of that shit matters to me. if it did then i would be missing out on the best moments/friends/everything. nick and zo and kenneth are the first gay people that i have known much less have become close with. i think nick was scared to tell me he was gay because he thought i wouldn;t want to be his friend anymore or something or think less of him. he was still in the closet i guess. whenever he finally did tell after a year of knowing him, i was devastated. i was hurt that he kept such a big secret from me. i was also really sad that he thought he couldn;t tell because i would not like him. then it made me even more sad to think he didn't tell me for fear of losing our bond. if anything we are closer. we have just one more thing in common. i don;t know how to explain the other way i felt. i can't label it. but it was like i didn;t even know him and i was almost being reintroduced. i now feel ashamed because that tiny extra piece of knowledge i gained about him didn;t change a damn thing. it made it seem like i finally knew every detail about him. making us even closer. i am not sure if the thing i should hate should be whatever makes gay people gay. once again i say this not because i believe it is wrong, i just think it would be easier on everyone. ignorant people wouldn't be homophobic, gay people wouldn't be seen as less than society, everyone would just be the same. then again i think it would be so boring. maybe i should hate that there isn;t enough gay people. maybe of there was enough out in the open, like 50% of the population, then it would be seen like gender is. i am not sure why i am writing all this now but i think i am going to start keeping my xangas entries secret. that way i can say whatever i want and not worry about what people think of me. one of my things to do in life before i die is to write a book. and some people have told me they want to publish my xanga. hmm maybe i could change the names of the people i write about. i don;t want m book to be a sad book. so i think i will also write about the funny things that happen. lord knows there are a lot of those. then someday i can publish it under a pen name. and no one will ever know or care and they can just enjoy my book. thats what i am going to do. i need to wrap this up because i have to work now. its the second day and i am actually excited. even though i have to work on a friday. whatever. money is better than being hungover. i get off at 11:30. maybe i can still party? this is kinda a stupid start for a book. maybe i will just consider this the prelude.